Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
dictator is short for richard potato
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.