Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
You Might Also Like
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no