@ghostovpiss: what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
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@KKAlThani: I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like "Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?" & we stay up talking about it.
@chuuew: FARMER: can I help you, sir? ME: this ain't my first rodeo, buddy FARMER: [narrows eyes] ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
@JKNenagh: Policeman:"Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen. Me: how Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
@internetluke: [first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)