what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”