*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Monday Lisa
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”