What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I hate my earbuds.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Not today
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.