What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth