“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The point of your 20s
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok