“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
asking santa clause for nudes
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there