No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree