I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times