Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
handsome & gretel
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down