What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy