The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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i will not be silenced
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.