What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
You Might Also Like
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Got ya covered
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.