What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
S/o to @funTweeters .
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR