What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone