What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time