“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?