What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.