What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.