What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.