what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
RT if you could go either way.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Fidel Castro was alive?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults