Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
How do you like your Corgi?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid