Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
You Might Also Like
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.