What number SPF blocks people?
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog