“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group