I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I put the p in pants.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.