@rcromwell4: What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they're vegan?
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@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
@AverageCorners: I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho
@OfficeofSteve: when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..