What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late