@ReeseButCallMeV: What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
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@Sarcasmo718: I'd love to see Jason Statham's face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
@jenstatsky: The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you're looking for anything specific is, "the bottom half of a shirt."
@KyleMcDowell86: [Elephant at a party] Nice piano! [me] thanks [Elephant] What are the keys made of? [Me] Uhh.. [Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle