dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
awkward
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”