What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.