What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
greetings!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey