the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight