“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You Might Also Like
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.