“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
This made me smile…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.