What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas: