“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment