I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My new favorite headline
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Have a lovely day 😊
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
No laws when master is gone
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.