What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me irl
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
こいつ天才
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
ok hear me out: Luigiana
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot