What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
good for her
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.