“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
You Might Also Like
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I hope they boil the right one.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
taking June’s advice to heart
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.