I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*looks at you in batman voice*
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.