@DeadLioness: What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
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@LeeMifsud: "I saw a flock of cows today" "Flock of cows?" "Yes a flock of cows" "Herd of cows?" "Of course I've heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!"
@er0tikka: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb
@MentalAbortions: Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?