What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
You Might Also Like
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?