best review i’ve ever seen
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Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?