What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef