What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE