@neiltyson: What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there's more sunlight
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@onion_an: 1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
@WGladstone: When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God's pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
@CantWaitToNap: When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he's not inviting you for a three-way... I know this now.