Bloody internet 馃槼
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 馃檨
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I鈥檓 trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I鈥檓 freaking the hell out.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby鈥檚 two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh鈥e too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princ猫ss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?