“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
“Sheer Arrogance”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest