“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*